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    初夏降臨

    時間:2018-09-02 17:54來源: 作者:云容容兮而在下 點擊:
      


    我是一抔泥土、是奔流的河水,也是一株青草、一只鹿、一頭巨大的象,在漫長的時光里,我已經記不清自己是誰,自己是什么,也不知道這樣的變化在哪里是盡頭。

    按照后來人類的說法,公元前大概兩百多年的春天,我大概是一捧泥土或者是一塊埋在地下的巖石,周圍一片黑暗,我動彈不得也沒有根莖,聽了幾百年的殺伐呼喊,今年春天似乎有些安靜。

    夜里,一場聲勢浩大的春雨過后,我好像被一棵蒼耳帶進根中,隨著日子增長又見到了數百年未曾謀面的太陽,我成了一棵蒼耳。這似乎也不賴,我努力向上舒展枝條張開葉片,享受清風和晨間的露水,還未來得及習慣在微風中搖擺的身軀,就再次陷入黑暗。

    被碾碎,被腐蝕,被轉化,這一次好像是一只梅花鹿。

    本著數萬年隨遇而安的原則,我很愜意地奔向湖水,一面飲水一面打量自己新的軀體,是一只非常健美的梅花鹿,我很滿足。接下來的日子過得平靜祥和,在林間穿梭覓食,在湖邊飲水奔跑,而后猶豫著向哪一頭母鹿求愛。

    發情期的到來讓我躁動不已,經歷了幾天幾夜和情敵們的斗爭之后,終于我獲得了那頭最健碩美麗的母鹿的青睞。我迫不及待地跨上她的后背,將早就勃起的生殖器送進她的體內,粗暴又野蠻地深入,遵循著最原始的欲望聳動。這是一個痛苦的過程,于我是這樣,于她也是這樣,她掙扎著想要逃脫,我奮力地追趕,加快胯下的動作將精液射進她的身體中。

    完成這件事后讓我覺得筋疲力盡,甚至產生了一種萬事休矣的錯覺,開始懷念那一段暗無天日的泥土生涯。

    就在我臥在樹叢中休憩片刻的空檔,咽喉被一支利箭深入,我甚至沒有發出一聲嘶吼,就被人歡呼著抬起,他們捆住我的四肢,倒吊著我,口中不停贊嘆“多么美麗的鹿啊!我們把它獻給皇帝吧!”

    我的眼中充著血,在這個顛倒的世界里看見剛剛和我交姌的母鹿,她遠遠地望著我,又轉瞬間消失在了茂密的樹林里。

    夜里,他們撕開我的皮肉,飲下我的血液,高呼著“吾皇萬歲!”,我不禁想笑,不過數十年就要死去的人類,在我面前高呼萬歲,他們甚至覺得我已然死去,卻不想正真要死去的就是他們自己。

    我被進獻給一個俊朗的男人,他也不禁贊嘆“多么美麗的鹿!”,他向匠人下令將我的皮毛制成他的劍鞘,于是我成為了這個殘暴又畏懼死亡的人的劍鞘。

    用我幾萬年的經歷,我也看不透這個男人的所作所為。他無所畏懼卻又膽小如鼠,我包裹著的寶劍被砍壞了很多把,劍鞘內常年充斥著血腥味,他可以堅決果敢地出劍斬殺任何強大的敵人,任何忤逆他的人。

    他發明了許許多多讓人畏懼他的刑法,比如,挖去人的眼睛——用竹筒的覆蓋在眼球上,不停地用力敲打竹筒直到眼球跳脫出來,這樣的眼球讓很多人畏懼,我卻只能想起那頭在森林里看著我的母鹿,不知道它的眼珠敲出來和這些眼珠有什么不同。

    我曾以為這個人沒有任何畏懼的事物,后來發現他居然畏懼巨大空洞的宮殿,畏懼不存在的鬼怪。他一面否認自己會死,又一面不惜犧牲子民去修建巨大的墳墓,多可笑的行為。

    可是我,不明白。

    陪伴這個男人的數十年,讓我產生了一個奇怪的想法:死亡是什么?我會死去嗎?

    可后來他還是死去了,以他最不情愿的方式,被深信的臣子陷害。他的尸體伴隨著一堆臭魚爛蝦周游他曾經引以為傲的領地,而后被埋葬,他的國家十年間就傾頹。我不斷地被更換陪伴身邊的人,這是我存在記憶開始接觸人類最多形態。

    人類是世間最復雜的生物。在我見過的或者成為過的生物中,生存和交配是最需要考慮的問題,它們從不會考慮死亡。可是人類居然有那樣多的想法和體會,他們本身就是巨大的矛盾體,痛苦和快樂并存,還有愛和恨,最讓我不理解的是他們明明知道自己不過數十載就要死去,卻又這樣生機勃勃,這樣鮮活,這樣不愿被磨滅。

    我想成為從未成為過的人類。

    隨著我被拋棄被埋葬,我再次化為塵土歸去,在經歷了幾千年的變化中我時而是飛鳥,時而是游魚。

    又離人類最近的一次是變成了巨大的海魚,大概是一條鯨魚,這次一是被海邊一群嬉笑的人類吸引,我呆呆地潛在水里聽他們的歡笑、哭泣、或者竊竊私語。直到海水退去,我才發現我已經沒有辦法回到海里,我在淺灘里掙扎哭泣,我的叫聲引來一大群人圍觀。他們有的人說要幫我回到大海,有的人說要把我切成碎片,他們熙熙攘攘、爭執、驚嘆、冷眼旁觀。我的內臟已經被巨大的身軀壓碎,痛感遍布全身,我全然不在意,只是在考慮我會是他們中的哪一個?看到死去的鯨魚會發出怎樣的聲音?

    我理所當然地腐爛,又一次成為泥土,后來成為了一棵巨大的芭蕉樹,再后來枝葉被一只大象卷入口中。

    我本來以為我會成為這一只象獲取它的感受它的身體它的視角,然而卻沒有,這一次我雖然在它的身體里卻感受到自己和它是彼此獨立的存在,我從一個肉團長出四肢、長出長鼻子、大耳朵,我似乎變成了一只象,奇怪的是四周都是黑黢黢的我什么也瞧不見,卻又隱約感受到一點點光,我明明是一只象,又仿佛還在海洋中,我有些困惑地等待著,這一次的轉化格外漫長。

    也不知道過了多少日子,我終于重見天日。隨著吃掉我的象痛苦綿長地呼叫,我墜落在柔軟的草地上,我掙扎著想要起身卻感覺十分困難,雖然見過這種生命的延續方式,自己第一次從這樣的角度獲得新生,這讓我十分欣喜。“母親”轉過身來伸長鼻子幫助我站了起來,我看著她只覺得格外親切,這是前所未有的感覺,我從未覺得世間存在的任何事物會讓我覺得如此親切。像是蒼耳于土壤、夕顏花于圍墻、鳥兒于蒼穹、孩兒于母親。我們之間存在看不見的線,和情人不同,和同伴不同,和世間一切其他的聯系都不同。

    我喜歡她身上的味道,也喜歡和她一起奔跑和玩耍,最喜歡和她做的事是等待著她去河邊吸飽水向我噴灑,陽光在水滴里被折射出的七種顏色,是我見過的最美麗的彩虹,搖著尾巴等待她回來的心情是我體驗過的最焦急最期盼的情感。我成為過星辰,見過璀璨浩瀚的銀河,我追逐過無數雌性迫切地想貫穿她們,那些感受卻比不上她從河邊回來帶給我的熱切,我忘記了想成為人類這件事,我想一直做她的小象。

    這是我產生的第一個想要主觀改變外界的想法,我不想她死去,可是這一天還是來臨了。

    象群都有一個墳墓,大多數在密林的最幽處,知道自己將要死亡的象會獨自離開象群前往那里,她離開的那一天用鼻子輕輕卷了卷我的鼻子,慢慢地向森林深處去。我第一次明白了幾千年前那個尋找長生的男人,他的悲傷和畏懼。

    我隨著她的腳印走向森林深處,看到了成堆的白骨,她安靜地躺在白骨邊,已經開始腐爛,我伸長了鼻子觸碰她,她卻不會再回應我,我想和她去一樣的地方,我也安靜地躺在她的身邊,靜靜地等待,這是漫長的生命里第一次我主動放棄自己的軀體。

    不知道過了過久,我一度以為自己已經死去,直到感覺有什么東西在觸碰我,我盡力張開雙眼,是一個幼小的人類女孩,她撫摸著我的頭。她仿佛不存在實體,若有若無的觸感讓我有些恍惚,她說:“我可以感覺到你,我的肉體即將死去,我也即將死去,可是我也有一個很想陪伴的人,像你一樣,可不可以請你,代替我陪伴她并且愛著她。”我大概可以理解她的意思,看著身邊的象,第一次流出淚水。

    我和她做了交換,我從她的視線里,看見這一堆曾經深愛的白骨,我正在腐爛的軀體以及通往墳墓的小路上緩緩而來的巨獸,它目光安靜柔和步伐蹣跚卻又從容。我仿佛看見了已經死去的自己,正在死去的自己和即將死去的自己,可是這一刻我想繼續存在的愿望比任何一刻都更加強烈。

    我閉上眼睛沉沉睡去,再次醒來時在床邊反光的玻璃窗上映出一個穿著睡裙滿臉濕漉漉的人類女孩,我抬起手臂拭去滿臉的淚水。

    樓下傳來一個男孩清脆的呼喊“我們去撲蝴蝶吧!阿星!”我推開窗戶向他揮手,飛快奔下樓梯,門口掛著的日歷寫著2018年05月05日,立夏。

    在初夏降臨的日子里,我擁有著全新的生命,向著死亡,奮力前進。


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