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    迷途的青春

    時間:2018-12-30 15:14來源: 作者:waxtt 點擊:
      

    從你來新疆那一刻起,你就注定要明白,一個青山人來到戈壁沙漠之上,是什么感受。那種天與地的落差并不是誰都可以想象得出來的。就在你來之前,也曾信心百倍,想著自己要在多長時間里完成什么事。可是漸漸的你忘了當初的心......

    新疆的冬天比自己想象中來得要快,在這寒冷的冬日,曾經的你每天早上都拿著一本四級詞匯在那塊剛剛建起來初具規模籃球場上背書。周圍的山都是光禿禿的,就連春天也是這般,毫無生氣。可是,你忘了,不管什么時候都能影響著你的一件大事,進了什么學校就有什么樣的同學。一個被注定的人際圈。起初,你總想著在高中時候老師說出來敷衍學生的話:到了大學簡直就是天堂,你愛怎么玩就怎么玩。恰好,你的大學伙伴也都是那種人,到了大學就放開了玩的那種人,要是說放浪形骸其實一點也不過分。

    只要還有那么一點點夢想的人都會在這個時候開始有點兒迷茫了,而當你的伙伴們每天在你耳邊說:反正都來到這里了,那大家都一樣,沒啥區別,高中的時候不努力然后才會來到這樣一個地方。這意思和破罐子破摔沒多大區別了。可是漸漸的你也就習慣了。

    起初,你還堅持自己的夢想,和伙伴們高談闊論,說說自己的計劃。每天早上爬起來跑步,去籃球場背書,給自己安排很多事去做。慢慢地,時間在走,你卻忘了自己要做什么了。上課時間,漸漸被困意侵襲;一下課了不知道為什么就是讓你感覺神清氣爽,課上那種困得要命的感覺就是沒了。你上課也曾想好好聽課,可是,這冬天室內的暖氣總是想讓人睡覺。就這樣,迷迷糊糊的,一節課就過去了。那天你倒霉,老師剛好叫到你起來回答問題,你帶著一陣驚慌的表情站了起來,你首先做的不是回答問題,而是不自覺的抓抓頭、撓撓腮、手不停的動著,不知道該放哪,腦子一片空白;然后你隨口就說了一個東西。老師氣急敗壞的罵著你,班上的同學也都笑紅了臉。可你居然不感到羞恥,臉稍稍紅了一下,冒了點虛汗,然后左顧顧右盼盼的四處掃了一眼然后尷尬的坐下了。可是你還是沒變,你什么樣就還是什么樣。周末,女朋友叮囑你要準時吃飯,準時睡覺,可你卻一天睡到晚,一天的飯菜一次外賣就解決了。每天早上天亮了,宿舍樓值班阿姨把燈打開的時候,你做的第一件事不是立即爬起來去洗漱準備出發去上課,而是翻幾下身,使勁瞇著眼睛,翻來覆去,然后用被子蒙著頭大叫著煩死人了,或者你直接氣哄哄的掀開被子然后跑下去用手一摁,把那個臭開關給摁了,再把被子一掀,鉆進去把被子左壓一下右壓一下,雙腿一抬,把自己包成了一個熱狗似的,然后閉上眼睛,馬上就睡得比豬還香。早上手機鬧鈴響了,你木訥的直起身子,那亂得像蓬草一般的頭左右轉了一下,帶著黑眼圈半閉著的眼睛在努力的尋找著那個聲音傳來的地方,用耷拉著的手伸出去把鬧鐘給關了,然后拿起來用力一甩,就把它從床頭甩到了床尾,讓手機靜靜的躺在那里,而你又徑直的倒下去,該怎么樣睡還是怎么樣睡。直到上課鈴聲響了,你才驚慌失措爬起來,讓被子隨意的躺在床上,一下就從一米多高的床上跳下來,把腳往鞋子里一塞,你沒刷牙,也沒洗臉,甚至連襪子都忘記穿了。你每次都這樣,隨隨便便打理一下就匆忙趕到教室。最尷尬的是你還跑錯教室了,不僅如此,你跑到教室了還不知道上什么課帶什么課本。找不到教室的時候站在門口瞄瞄,不是就找下一個。如果是關著門的話,你總是輕輕的把門開道縫,然后像賊一樣偷瞄。如果是就跑進去,如果不是總能引起其他班同學的一陣哄笑。如果找到了你就突然跑進教室,一點禮貌也沒有,但老師連看都懶得看你一眼。因為老師們知道,你來不來不關老師的事,你學不學也不關老師的事。可是有些老師就是喜歡管你,希望學生多學點東西。于是就點名,記下遲到和曠到的同學。就這樣一個原因,這一科期末考試你成功迎回了開門紅。老師本以為這樣會給你會長點記性,可你就是不會。快要補考的時候你才慌忙拿出書匆忙掃了一眼。可到了考場你才發現昨天晚上看到五點多的書,居然是倆研究生監考。這倆人是大男孩,不像老師那樣苛刻嚴厲,有人拿出書來抄襲他們居然都不管。從這以后,你更加抱著了一個僥幸心,你就認為補考肯定會讓你過的。再加上那些其你補考的學生的贊同聲四起,你更加認為就是這樣的,補考一定能過的。于是,第二個學期你還是這樣,沒有什么變化,只是掛紅的科目更多了點。更加令你想不到的是,這一學期的補考是倆女研究生,意外的嚴格,你不敢抄,于是你接著掛科,一直掛到了大四。而晚上,你再也不是看完書然后睡覺,而是你看著手機比看著誰都興奮。哪怕你真的長了熊貓眼也無所謂。而你經常性的失眠,而那最有效的催眠工具卻意外的變成了英語單詞。你總是這樣。一下課拿起的不是書而是手機,和朋友玩著游戲,叫得比誰都興奮。別說玩游戲的時候你忘記困是什么感覺了,就連餓是什么感覺你也都全忘了。等打完游戲發現你很餓的時候,你才會去買吃的,可是你每次都玩得很晚,餐廳和超市都關門了。而且你還很挑食,不喜歡水果蔬菜,就喜歡零食。你不喜歡胖,但你就是不想動去鍛煉。沒錯,就這樣,你身體也慢慢發福了。

    你曾經也整天向同學們說著你要做些什么事,你曾經做過什么什么事。可是你也忘了一句話,說自己曾經很厲害的人現在一定很窩囊。這可能已經是一個不變的定律了吧,因為真正厲害的人很少輕易夸耀自己,也從不輕易說大話。可是為什么偏偏你要去當這個出頭鳥,你不明白,這是你自己的虛榮心在作祟。只是為了吸引更多人的眼光而已。這就是你想要做的。可是那時候的你都不明白這到底是為什么,就是覺得是一件很光彩、很榮耀的一件事,于是你學會了撒謊。好多人到了大學都痛改前非了,可你還是這樣。

    讓你最羨慕的事情不是這些,而是自己天天哭窮,卻不愿意去做兼職努力掙錢,因為你怕累。而等到人家拿獎學金的時候你卻在這里眼紅。你自己心里發誓以后不管怎么努力下學期一定要拿到獎學金。可是,你看了幾天的書,做了幾天的卷子看了幾天書你就又萎靡了。上課不是睡覺就是睡覺,下課不是打游戲就是打游戲,周末不是賴床還是賴床。沒錯,你還是這樣。

    又快到期末了,你才慌了,每天拿起書來背,而且還每天都鼓勵自己一定能行。要是每天都這樣,獎學金肯定是你的,可是你還是你,你堅持不下去。期末考試一過你就什么事都沒有了,你是什么樣還是什么樣。

    你默認了你就是學渣,你覺得自己什么也學不會,只是心里還想著掙扎,不想著放棄。但你心里就是覺得很別扭,人家在玩你在學,然后你的伙伴就總是很喜歡拿你開玩笑說:再努力還不是和你們一樣在這里。你怕一努力就失去伙伴,你害怕孤獨,所以你一次又一次的失敗。因為你的人際圈又限制了你。可能高考的時候你的志愿填錯了,就不小心來到這里了,也可能是你不小心考差了,可你自己心里明白,究竟是怎么回事。你身邊的人一有事就抱怨學校抱怨老師,而你不阻止你們反而天天學著抱怨著這些,抱怨這世上的一切,你原本有的那么一點點斗志也徹底的沒有了。反而陷入了無窮無盡的抱怨之中了。這就是一個循環,人生就好像無數個圈子套在一起一樣,一不小心就陷入了死循環,可怕的不是出不來,而是你進去了還是認為自己是對的!

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