• 記事|人生里的第一次約會

    時間:2016-05-03 15:14來源:未知 作者:馬良 點擊:
      

     

    突然想起自己的第一次約會,大約是17歲吧,人已經在高中了,卻又想起初中時候的“緋聞對象”,其實根本就沒有任何事情發生,兩個名字卻被人生拉硬扯到了一處,有板有眼就給撮合成了一對兒,胡亂開起玩笑來。

     

    那姑娘長得漂亮,也是學習尖子,我一個差生哪里敢高攀,于是總急急地辯解,誰和我玩笑就和誰紅臉,平時凡事都故意要和她劃清界限,一副避猶不及的樣子。后來她竟終于惱了,不知道是為了那些閑言碎語,還是因為我每天指天賭咒硬是想脫了干系的蠢樣子。

     

    某天下午,一向文靜柔軟的她竟沖到我面前,當著所有人的面大聲質問我:“你到底喜不喜歡我?今天就當著大家的面說個明白。你說一句話,有就是有,沒有就是沒有,讓他們都聽清楚,這些亂七八糟的話煩死我了。”我那時如果敢大聲說個“有”字,就能提早幾年做個好男兒了,可惜我那時還是個不折不扣的縮貨(上海話里軟蛋的意思),即使就在那一瞬間,她質問我的一瞬間,我便開始無法自拔地喜歡上她了,但嘴里卻說了三個字“不喜歡”。

     

    我原來以為這樣才是硬漢的姿態,沒想到一句話說完便懂了什么叫“追悔莫及”。她眼里似乎有淚光一閃,但只片刻間就變成了咬牙切齒的模樣。她狠狠地對我也對眾人說:“大家都聽清楚了?以后勿要再傳我們的閑話了。”我心里五味瓶全翻倒了,一句話也憋不出來,眼睜睜看她掉頭冷漠地走了。

     

    后來我便托了關系去找她。那時還沒有手機,是托了家里有電話的另外一個女同學,希望給我搞一個聯系方式,我想也許寫封信能說個明白。當時那女同學只是答應去問問,幾天之后再給我回復。

     

    忐忑不安地等了幾天,一天晚上家里電話突然響了,拿起聽筒,里面是她的聲音。我一時又有些語塞,她倒是很大方,說是在另外那個女同學的家里。和我隨便聊了幾句,她突然就問我要不要明天一起去游泳,我們倆,還有那個女同學。我聽了心里一驚,一起游泳簡直是太激情澎湃的事情!電話那頭她平靜地說“你教我游泳吧”,電話這頭我激動得都快流鼻血了。

     

    第二天一早我就起了,練了無數個俯臥撐,心里把要說的話都排練了幾遍,直到可以貌似輕松連貫地背出來了,才出門去了約定的游泳池。但那天整整等了一下午,她和女伴都沒有出現。我悻悻地回家,強壓著心里的失落,卻不想打電話去詢問。直到那天很晚電話又響了,我那女同學笑著告訴我,她們其實去了游泳池,但遠遠看到我在焦急地魂不守舍地等她們,便故意沒有過去,是為了出一口氣,這幾年里她心里憋的一口氣。我聽完這解釋,心里倒是有些釋然,也暗自慶幸自己沒有早離開。那女同學又接著說:“明天下午一點,去某路某號她家窗下叫她的名字,她想和你去看電影,如果你愿意去的話。”我當然愿意,掛電話的時候我開心得都要暈過去了。

     

    第二天我依計而行,準時到了她家的樓下,清了清嗓子本來想嘹亮地呼喚她,不料喊出來的聲音竟滿是心虛,環顧四周,好像馬路上所有的人都看出了我形跡可疑的樣子,可唯獨她的窗簾紋絲不動。此時箭在弦上已無退路,我壯膽又喊了幾聲,她這才探出頭來,不過只一秒鐘的樣子,說了一句“等我啊”,便又關上窗退了進去。太激動了,我突然意識到,這一小會兒之后,我便成為一個會約會女人的男人了,無限的驕傲一齊涌上心頭來,幾乎沖動得要和路人一一握手感謝了。

     

    時間過了好久,她卻還不下來。我突然想起來那天急著出門,根本就沒想著要換衣服,只穿了一套學生的行頭,也突然就不滿意起一頭亂七八糟的頭發來,后悔著也沒有去剃個頭,把自己收拾得體面一些,鞋子也不對,運動鞋,應該是皮鞋才好。唉,這樣想著,突然就覺得路上的行人都像在笑我,這個心急卻要吃熱豆腐的小笨蛋,悻悻然覺得自己似乎沒有資格開始這場約會了。又等了很久,我記得很久很久,直等得我心慌意亂,心里甚至已經有些暗自希望她只是想要再讓我空守一場呢,倒也算是我的解脫。可突然間,她出現了。

     

    我美艷動人的“約會對象”突然就出現在了門口,在我幾乎要謝天謝地地打退堂鼓的時候,她就那樣以“五雷轟頂”的效果出現在了我的戀愛生涯的最初幾秒里。街邊站著的那個小呆子在那一刻是靈魂出竅的,毫不夸張,那就是我回憶里的感受。我美艷的她,一頭學生時代看慣了的長長直發,此時成了一頭蓬松卷發;她涂了鮮艷的口紅,還有藍色的和褐色的眼影,顯然是花了很多時間認真描摹過了,和我看的香港武打片里的女俠一樣英姿颯爽又五彩斑斕。還有她的緊身短裙,閃著亮光的絲襪,紅色的高跟鞋,還有亮光閃爍的小坤包,還有大紅的指甲油,還有……這一切對我的打擊實在太大了,我還是個孩子,那一刻我徹底愿意承認這個殘酷的現實了,望著這個一瞬間成了大女人的她,所有我用于偽裝成熟的小胡子,臉上的,心里的,一瞬間就被狂風吹散了,一根都不剩。那個光溜溜的小縮貨根本無法接受自己約會的竟然是如此成熟明艷的尤物。我站在街邊望著她唇間血色的微笑,魂飛魄散。

     

    那一個下午是怎么熬過來的,我如今已經不記得了,大約是太緊張了,無論是買電影票時,還是在黑暗的電影院里,我都像個僵尸一般面無血色。她身上的香水味兒對我來說簡直是無孔不入的煎熬,我幾乎不敢看四周別人的目光,覺得自己像是一個愚笨的罪犯,在一場精心布置下的圈套里,把自己活活勒死了。

     

    當然,這段關系是沒有下文的。她對我失望極了,我竟連一句像樣的話都沒有說,一句夸她的話都沒有,她非常后悔那天花了那么多時間和精力和一個沒有發育好的男人約會。

     

    這是我人生里的第一次約會,完全沒有準備好便倉促上陣了,可惜了一個那么美妙而又早熟的對手。對此我總是心懷歉意,卻再也無法補償她了。少年時覺得凡是愛情必然是要愛得死去活來的,不曾想死去又活過來的事兒是少之又少的,大部分的愛都是死了便永遠地死了,活著的是造化,是要珍惜一生一世的。■

     

    (《人間臥底》,廣西師范大學出版社)

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